On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a Petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside.

The pump attendant, who knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is. "Top of the mornin' to yer, sir," says the attendant.

Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle.

As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

"What are dose?, asks the attendant. "They're called tees," replies Tiger.

"Well, what on the good God's earth are dey for?" inquires the Irishman.

"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.

"Fookin Jaysus", says the Irishman, "BMW tinks of everyting..."

1. there is a vast difference in grounds with regards to length and width, thus varying the quality of play

2. pitches vary from the well grassed to the completley bald

3. remember, it is possible to score at both ends

4. tackling from behind is not always an offence, check with ground owner

5. be careful, as after a few pints a ground appears to be ofpremiership standard, but in reality would not even be eligible as a council dumping ground

6. only some grounds offer five a side facilities

7. dont ever make public your desires to play at Wembley, also never
mention pitches previosly visited

8. extra time is dependant on subsequent pitch bookings

9. if the ground does not seem to have undersoil heating, suggest calling the game off, possibly even contact a coroner

10. when building a team it is always nice to finish with Seaman at the back

11. wet pitches allow for long sliding tackles

12. always ask before leaving the pitch and entering the tunnel, do not expect to be allowed to come straight from the tunnel to the goal mouth and score. that can leave an awful taste in the mouth of the pitch owner and may prevent further use of the ground

13. personal morals may be compromised by local derbies

14. it is illegal to play on small,unturfed pitches

15. from time to time the goal may be obstructed by a highly absorbant goalie

16. Bulgarian grounds are frequently more grassy

17. French grounds are frequently very nice too look at, however there can be sometimes an awful smell from the terraces which don't get hosed down as often as they should

18. very few grounds are found with executive boxes

19. be wary of grounds with room for coaches

20. always be on the lookout for grounds that host ladies footy two evenings a week

21. pitches with a waterlogged end, can be out of bounds for up to 5 days a month, although this can be longer if u piss the owner off by continually asking to play up the good end instead

22. players must agree personal terms with the club before being allowed to play on the turf

23. always look for a ground that has never been played on before (or at least hasn't had many visits). that said, well used grounds may have better facilities and will really know how to get the best out of a player